To Offend or Not to Offend? Family & Food
By Jennifer Adler, M.S., C.N.
From the dreaded boxed mashed potatoes, fluorescent pink jello salad with marshmallows to the can of cranberry sauce still in the shape of a can, we all have our family food horror stories. At the same time, food is the tie that binds and is meant to bring us together. Dealing with the complexity and duality of this issue can be daunting. It can detour family visits, or for some, require packing a suitcase loaded with food, which with new airport security can be enough to skyrocket even the lowest of blood pressures.
Yes, the holidays are here, and for many, that can mark the beginning of emotional eating— when we eat in response to feelings rather than hunger. It is estimated that 75 percent of overeating is emotional eating. As a nutritionist, this is something I see repeatedly. What we eat often has very little to do with food. Instead, food is often used as a way to suppress or relieve negative emotions. For many, visiting family can be a trigger. Food can be the one area where we are able to exert control. I.E., we may not be able to control our dysfunctional family but we can control what we eat.
One client of mine, Sarah, a 43-year-old advertising executive had a horrendous time visiting her in-laws—not because of the company but because the food quality did not meet her standards. She brought her own food, including her mysterious green drinks and when she ate out with the in-laws, Sarah ordered the least threatening item on the menu, usually soup. Family visits often ended with offended relatives and an early departure.
As a chef and a nutritionist, I can relate. My world is occupied by discussions about what farm has eggs with the perkiest yolks or where to get the most nutrient dense kale. That said, when I go to my sister’s house and am served potato buds, instant gravy, and turkey in a bag, I eat it. I put aside my savvy palate and the wealth of nutrition knowledge that occupies my brain and I eat the buds. I focus on the fact that I am there to connect with her and that she made me a meal out of love. It may not be the meal I would have chosen but I believe she is doing the best she can with the resources that she has available to her. I appreciate the love and focus less on the food.
Apply the 80/20 guideline. As someone whose whole world revolves around food and health, I believe that if I live healthy eighty percent of the time then my body will be strong enough to handle the other twenty percent.
I am not interested in spending the amount of time and energy that it would take to be a saint with my diet. Also, I have found that when we become rigid with our diet, we tend to become rigid with life. This can eliminate much of the spontaneity and joy that life has to offer. Moreover, the holidays are just snapshots in time. We have 365 days in a year. How many of these are filled with jello molds? As Marc David author of “Nourishing Wisdom” always says, “We often overlook the importance of an ingredient consumed in each meal – attitude. If you eat something (bad) for you with an attitude of guilt and self punishment, the experience of the food will certainly be unnourishing - any toxins in the meal are made doubly potent simply by adding fear. Yet the same food eaten with an attitude of celebration, you have a very different reaction in the body.”
As we move into the holiday season, try to relax and allow the joy of being with family to fill your thoughts. What if your family is less than excellent? Experiment with changing your attitude. Become curious and amused at Aunt Edna’s shredded iceberg lettuce salad with cardboard tomato wedges and ranch dressing. Think of it as endearing for Uncle Ed to spend the time and energy required to deep fry that huge turkey. If that doesn’t work, do your best to focus on positive thoughts with the food. Eat with joy despite the hydrogenated oils because the stress response in our bodies created by obsessing is more damaging than the food itself.
Besides, as I have heard from clients, “if you put enough gravy on it, it’s not too bad.”
Jennifer Adler M.S., C.N. provides nutrition counseling at The International Eating Disorders Institute, www.iedinstitute.com. She used to be extremely rigid with her food but has now learned the art of flexibility and gravy utilization.
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